Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
