it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
