Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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