I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
