omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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