i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
