There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize