it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
