his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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