I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Randomize
