If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
No stitches, just platelets and will power
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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