Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
