I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
