I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
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Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
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i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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