At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
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went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
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Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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