There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
