We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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