I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
