i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
