He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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