he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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