It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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