I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
