i'm signing you up for texting rehab
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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