Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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