Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
