im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
