I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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