Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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