How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
