I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
