My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
