Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
