Umm I'm too high to move.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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