I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Be still, my beating vagina.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
