Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
