My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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