I think my fart just growled at me.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
