Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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