I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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