As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
