no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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