I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
