he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize
