I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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