i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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