it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
