We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
