Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
