Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
