I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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