someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
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Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
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and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?