This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you