i just had sex bonerless
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
